Healing your relationship with food, your body-image and weight can feel like an overwhelming task. One stuck point which I see exacerbates many clients suffering, is “Destination addiction”. Destination addiction is the belief that reaching a certain point in life, particularly a certain goal, will bring an end to struggles and usher in lasting happiness. In this blog article I’m going to delve into the concept of destination addiction and explore the power of values-based living as a more useful approach to healing.
The Illusion of Arrival
Destination addiction is the idea that attaining a particular milestone it will automatically grant us happiness, love, and relief from painful emotions. These goals might include: reaching a certain weight, being able to control what you eat, getting your dream job, or finding a partner. You might recognise the thinking as something like “Once I achieve this, I’ll finally feel good enough.” Or “Once I get through this tough project, I’ll finally be less stressed and happy”.
This mindset can be especially common for people struggling with their relationship with food and their body. Commonly, there is the desire to reach a specific physical state which promises an escape from suffering, such as reaching a goal weight. You might not even be entirely conscious of this mistaken belief around destination addiction. To unpack this further you can ask yourself the following questions. Why do I want to lost weight? What do I believe will change about my life, my feelings, my relationships? Do I believe I will feel a greater sense of self-acceptance? Feelings of belonging? Romantic love?
If you are getting caught up in destination addiction, you may be buying into this false belief that you can get to a point in life where you’ve done all the physical or psychologically ‘hard work” and you will experience uninterrupted peace and happiness. Realistically life is a journey marked by ups and downs. Achieving goals, while important, doesn’t guarantee long-term happiness or the elimination of challenges. The key lies in adopting a balanced perspective of what makes life meaningful. It is also helpful to learn to savour the good when it happens and be resilient enough to manage those harder times that you (like all humans) will face.
Embracing Values-Based Living
Values-based living offers an alternative framework for approaching life. Instead of fixating on an outcome, such as weight loss or another goal, it encourages focusing on the process of living itself and aligning your actions with core values.
The concept of values can feel a bit vague for some. Essentially, they’re words that describe a quality you want to embody as you go about life such as “kindness” or “determined”. They’re principles that shape our actions and attitudes.
Values are like a compass. A compass gives you direction and keeps you on track when you’re traveling. And our values do the same for the journey of life. We use them to choose the direction in which we want to move and to keep us on track as we go. So when you act on a value, it’s like heading west. No matter how far west you travel, you never get there, there’s always further to go. But goals are like the things you try to achieve on your journey, they’re like the sights you want to see or the mountains you want to climb while you keep on traveling west.”
~ from Act Made Simple, Dr Russ Harris
Dr Russ Harris has a range of concrete exercise such as the “Values Bulls-Eye” that you can complete to obtain some clarification if you’re not sure where to start.
How to Stay on Track with Values-Based Living
Sometimes people can become perfectionistic about living in line with their values. For example, if they’re not kind all the time they might see this as failing. But remember living is about not about perfection. It’s about striving to align your actions with your values whilst acknowledging that setbacks are part of the journey.
Another part of values-based living is learning to prioritise your values. You might value “working hard’, but if you prioritise that above all other values you may end up burnt out or neglecting other parts of your life that are also important to you. I’m sure many readers are familiar with the experience of over-eating at the end of a day when they have over-prioritised working hard and de-prioritised self-care.
Finally, one of the antidotes to getting caught in ‘destination addiction’ and to live a values-aligned life is to practice living in the present. Values are about the here and now, not achievements. I encourage you to focus on how you can embody your values in your daily life rather subscribing to the belief that happiness lies in achieving a certain goal. In regard to weight loss, even if you do lose weight, to maintain it you will still need to work on prioritising self-care and living a health promoting life-style for the rest of your life. I believe it will provide you with a more satisfying and meaningful way of living.
Written by Dr Rachel Gold, Clinical Psychologist
5th May 2024
